Final Entry

                This will be my last entry on this travel blog.  I have been home for 22 days, and while that’s not nearly enough time to really process or summarize the last five months of my life, I feel it’s time to finish this blog (at least until it becomes a different kind of blog, if I find enough reason to continue blogging).

                Before I left for Australia, when I told people about my plans, I was asked the same collection of questions regularly:  Are you going to the Great Barrier Reef?  Is it hot there?  Will you see kangaroos/dingoes/koalas?  Will you surf?  Do you think you’ll pick up the accent?  What I didn’t realize is that now that I’m back in the US, I’m asked the same questions, only in past-tense.  I don’t know why this surprised me.  The average American only knows so much about Australia.

                I don’t mind this, except when it ends there.  I had an amazing time in Australia, but talking about the kangaroos, beaches and Ayer’s Rock doesn’t even touch it.  Yet a lot of people are satisfied with those stereotypical things.  It’s like going on a date with a fantastic girl, and then your friends ask how the food was.  Even if the food’s great (and it was), it misses the point.

                I think some people are afraid to go deeper.  Or they feel it is inappropriate to do so.  Maybe it’s simply a lack of interest, or time.  Or maybe it’s a consciousness of privacy that prevents them from asking how I’ve grown, what I learned about myself and about humanity, what God did in my life, what challenges I had to overcome.  But these are the things that made my time in Australia valuable, more than a vacation, that make me excited about where I’ve been and where I’m heading.

                A good friend told me I should think about taking the initiative to talk about the deeper stuff instead of waiting for someone to ask the right question.  I’m still considering that advice, but this seems like a good place to try it out.  Even though nobody may ever read this entry (I’m not really sure anyone read it even while I was away), right now I’m going to tell whoever will read exactly what’s on my heart:

                I see people differently.  When asked if people were good or evil, I used to say evil.  I can’t say that anymore.  People make mistakes, people mess up and do bad things, but people don’t seek evil.  We seek good things.  We want love, acceptance, security, hope, and freedom, and we do what we can to find them.  Some people find some amount of these things, but in the wrong places; these are the people that many (including some Christians) call evil.  But they’re doing the best they can, like anyone else.  To these people, I want to say I’ve found the ultimate source of highest love, beauty, security, everything your heart desires.  His name is Jesus, and he invites you to know him.

                I see myself differently.  I’ve come a long way over the past few years, from hating myself to accepting myself to accepting my body to, eventually, liking myself.  But what I never had was initiation.  My life’s been a cake-walk:  My only struggles have been what I’ve brought upon myself.  Traveling to Australia alone was a true challenge, one that tested my resolve and my faith in God.  To make a long story short, God came through, in ways and to degrees I didn’t even imagine.  With his help, I made it.  Now that I’m home, I feel different.  More mature, more confident, more determined to live an upright, selfless life.

                I didn’t show it very often, but I was quick to admit that I didn’t have it all figured out.  And I still don’t, not even close.  Not every day abroad was magical.  There were times that I sat in my room, curled up in a ball, and indulged myself in self-pity.  One evening I sat on a huge boulder on the beach and watched the sunset over the water, and felt nothing but the sharp rock beneath me.  There were times that all I wanted to do was get drunk (but I never drank).  There were nights I would go for long runs without really knowing why.  When I received news that one of my best friend’s dad passed away, I felt helpless.  I spent a lot of time “obsessing,” which I now realize was really worrying and doubting, while at the same time telling everyone that “it all works out in the end.”  I made mistakes, I made decisions I knew were wrong, I didn’t love everyone like I should have.  And my troubles didn’t end when I came home.  Now, I’m lonely.  I miss my friends, in Lincoln, around the country, and around the world.  I waste time.  I get frustrated over little things.  I don’t have it all together.  I have something great, I have hope for better things, and I see daily improvement and little successes, but there’s still a lot more for me to move into.  It’s still a process.  And the truth is, I love it.

                And that’s it.  That’s all I have to say here.  I could go into more, but at some point, you need to have someone across from you to really communicate.  Thank you for reading, this entry and any others you’ve stumbled onto.  I won’t know you’ve read this unless you tell me; it’d make me happy to hear you did, though, so if you want to tell me, that’d be cool.  I’d probably even give you a high-five, for a Facebook poke if you’re in Australia.  Anyways, thank you.

                Signing out.

Mossden

                 This entry has the potential to be very long.  For you sake (and for my own as well), I’ll try to make it as concise as possible.  Just know that there’s a lot more I could say this time.

                My flight out of New Zealand was canceled.  I don’t know the word to describe how I felt, my attitude was not especially positive.  And my attitude is almost always positive.  I tried to convince myself that there was a purpose here, some way I could make use of three extra days in Christchurch, but I didn’t have any idea what it could be or how to find it.  I’d much rather have been going home.

                I took a bus from the airport to Papanui street, from which I had to walk about 20 minutes (with about 60 kg of baggage) to the motel.  If it sounds like I’m complaining, it’s because at that time, I was complaining inside.  Quiet little personal grumblings.

                A block from the motel, I bumped into an elderly man on the sidewalk who wanted to chat with me.  He asked me where I was from, what I do, where I was staying, and how much they were charging me (he said I was paying way too much, which I didn’t really want to hear at the time).  He said that if I wasn’t busy, I should go to his house down the street and join him for a cup of tea one of these days.  He also said that I should just sleep in his house in his spare room and save myself the money.  He also said he was a licensed physical therapist, and he’d be happy to give me rub-down, no charge of course.

                All I could think of was, this guy seems suspicious to me.  I didn’t know if he was just old, or if he meant harm.  I’ve never been offered a free rub-down by a total stranger.  We offered our names (his was Mossden) and shook hands, and as I walked towards the motel reception, I thought to ask them if they knew the old man.  Maybe he’s just the crazy guy down the street, or a registered sexual predator in the area.  I didn’t ask, though.

                I spent that day and the next pretty much by myself.  I slept a lot.  Watched some movies.  Wasted time on the computer.  It came to my mind that I should go and take Mossden up on his offer, but I “couldn’t be bothered.”  That’s a phrase I’ve picked up in Australia.  What it means, in this case, is that I’d rather be lazy and vaguely dissatisfied and bored than get out of my warm room, face the cold, and try to find this guy’s house for what could be a long, awkward conversation.  I told myself he might be dangerous, but I didn’t really believe it.  I just tossed it in the pile with the rest of my excuses.

                But that second day left me so dissatisfied and guilty, I knew I had to do something.  So this morning, while reading my Bible and talking with God, I decided I have to get out and catch life, “grab life by the horns.”  So I grabbed my runners and hit the sidewalks.  As I was running, I happened to bump into Mossden.  He invited me in, and I knew I had to say yes.

                He made me a cup of coffee, and we ended up talking for at least an hour.  He’s lived in the area for his whole life.  We talked about earthquakes, geology, human nature, religion and faith, politics, health, sports, and everything in between.  He did most of the talking; I was just happy to listen and learn.  Then he told me about his divorce, and losing his children.  Then he told me a story from his childhood, when a sexual predator at the horse races tried to kidnap him.  He said the man’s face haunted him for years.  At the end of the story, he said he never told anyone.  I don’t know if he meant he never told anyone at the time, or if he’s never told anyone before me.  About that time, he said he should get some stuff done around the house, and I left.

                As I walked back to my room, all I could think was that I am such a… word I can’t type in this blog.  Here was this sweet old man who just wanted some company, and I was too lazy to knock on his door.  Here I’d suspected him of being a predator, when he was only ever a victim.

                Since then, I’ve been productive.  I’m not wasting any more time.  I’m going to chase life.  And I’m not going to take the easy way out when God lays something on my heart.  No more excuses.  Mossden invited me over to watch TV tonight.  I’ll take him up on that offer.

                Seeing as how this is my last day before I’m home (flight conditions allowing), this might be my last blog entry.  I know this isn’t exactly the best summary of my trip.  Maybe I’ll post something like that from home.  And I don’t know if I’ll continue this blog or not.  I’ll do some thinking and praying about it.

                Thank you for reading.  Family, friends from either hemisphere, thank you, for being a part of my life.  I’m a very blessed man.  God has done incredible things in my life and in the lives of people I know.  All the credit, all the glory, goes to Him.